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Sunday, March 20, 2016

Have we Always Competed?

At a very young age, I learned that failure, while upsetting, was necessary.  It was learned quickly in a family of five children with five cousins on one side.  I learned to wear masks because of the competitions.  Even in a small town, I was always competing for any scrap of recognition.  Today, I've stopped caring about getting recognition.  I only want acknowledgement of the fact that yes, my words were heard.  I don't care if it's only by my dog.  Does this mean I don't make attempts to be acknowledged?  No, it just means I'm less likely to make a fuss if I don't get what I want or don't win.

There are things that I've ignored over the years that maybe I should have grit my teeth and stood fast about.  There are events that I did well at, but as soon as I started to gain attention for them, I, as I think back on those times, believe I may have self-sabotaged them.  I made it to regional spelling bee, but knowing we would never afford the expenses and feeling self-conscious about being on a stage in front of numerous people I didn't know, I screwed up on spelling the word frugal.  I was in sixth grade and the likelihood of me being in a spelling bee ever again was nonexistent.  Did I want to win?  Yes.  Why did I misspell frugal?  I had never seen the word before. (Never saw the word mutton but spelled it just fine.)  I had wished to locate where my family were sitting in the audience before I misspelled a word.  Yes, I had a very defeatist attitude, but it's only enforced by the number of times my family would ignore or discard things regarding myself.  I became accustomed to not getting what I wanted.

I became accustomed to being the scapegoat because everyone else would spin the story just right that I had no recourse but to accept my allotment.  I recently spent time with my mother and it was brought up, once again, an old event that maybe shouldn't have happened on my end, but a key piece of information was always left out by my siblings.  I'm always remembered to be the one chasing after my brother with a hammer.  I got in trouble for it.  When my mom brought it up this time, I couldn't hold back.  I raged in my short explosive burst of a rage about that every forgets that he was chasing one of my sister's first.  My mom had a quick reply.  "I was never told about this."  My response?  "Yeah, well everyone always forgets that part don't they?"  She was quiet until we were searching for the location we were heading to.

Am I bitter about that event?  Of course.  I get in trouble for chasing my brother with a hammer - never hit him with it, wasn't even indicating that I would.  When a few years later I'm hit in the back of the head by him with a cast iron skillet, there was no outcry.  Worry was almost nonexistent and once again I was reminded that I was at the bottom of the pole when it came to my place within the family.  Like I said, there has always got to be a loser.

We have a need to be needed and wanted, but also to prove ourselves as better or smarter than someone else.  It's not always grand but sometimes when I think back to my childhood, I wonder if things would have been different if I'd have lived with my father or actually gone through with my runaway attempts.  Trust me, I thought about escaping my family in numerous ways and even started to plan said escapes, but never went through.  I never truly tried.  In several ways I did a disservice to myself.  However, I could never forgive myself if I had somehow failed those who were truly counting on me.  The ones who needed me to fail so they could do better.  The ones who needed someone to play the sheltered, naive, smart kid who was the target for verbal bullying.  I went with the flow a lot, but there were times where I stopped and said not this time.

Sadly, those times were few and far between.  Now, I don't worry about upsetting so-called family, mine or my husband's (and yes, this pisses him off to no end.  Seriously, we avoid the two, TWO, extended family events that my family has, but you expect me to call off work for every single one of yours?  Nope, not happening.  That's a minimum three events.  And it's only been in the last couple of years, not the last five like he claimed.).  I stopped trying to figure out what would make them happy.  I think I may have stopped caring even.  I don't worry about holding myself back, at least not too much, but I'm still working on knowing who I am and what exactly I want.  What I'm still willing to put up with and what I need to speak up about not putting up with anymore.

What about you?  Were you a winner or scapegoat?  It's not bad letting others win, just make certain that you find something that matters to you that you don't budge on.  Let the things that don't matter to you slide, but hold fast to the things you feel strongly about.  It's not a bad idea to take a step back or to make a decision to make them work for things.  Family should be those who care about you, not those whom are constantly tearing you down with nothing to help build you back up.

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